You have been sitting here for about half an hour now. It started off well. You ordered your coffee and caught up on all the most recent news with your friend, but you still haven’t gotten to the subject you really came to discuss. Every time you steer the conversation back to it your friend takes another detour into the things that are so important in her life right now, not yours. You love her. She is so sweet much of the time, but is there something imbalanced about this?

Have you ever felt this way? Most of us have been in conversations where we felt the others were not really listening to what we are saying. Chances are, most of us have been that inconsiderate friend who was more concerned with venting than listening. Sometimes it might not matter. The flow of a conversation often does have a life of its own, but it could tell more about ourselves than we want to admit.

We know we should be "swift to hear, slow to speak" (James 1:19), but often we do not stretch our self-control very tightly in that direction. We are to "bear one another’s burdens" (Galatians 6:2), and although that does imply that they must tell us about their problems I believe that in all fairness the emphasis is on us listening and being observant, not just unloading on anyone who might be around.

What was the friend in the coffee shop doing if not directly violating Philippians 2:3,4. That verse clearly says "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others." I believe this to be the single most difficult passage for us to apply consistently. It takes humility to say that your own ideas or even needs are not more important than the other person’s. Pride is formulating your next words rather than listening—really listening—to what the other person is saying.

It is hard to resist relating to others the thoughts that come into our minds, but sometimes IT IS JUST NOT IMPORTANT, and certainly not more important than focusing on the other’s needs. If someone comes to you with a problem, they may not be ready to hear you explain in rational and relative terms how their own misery is not as bad as yours. It is awful for them and a few words of sympathy may be what is needed most, initially. Later they may be able to see their woes in light of the bigger picture.

How much of the so-called martyr complex is natural to all of us? Not only do many find a perverted sense of satisfaction in thinking they are living under the worst of conditions, but it becomes that much sweeter if they have the chance to display that suffering for others. I speak of the petty "one-up-manship" (mine is better-or worse-than yours) that is often displayed in our conversations. Caustic? Perhaps, but too often true, and that I know first-hand.

The next time I find myself replying to a friend’s problems- "That’s nothing, you should hear about..."- I resolve to stop myself. I don’t really want to tell them that their problems are nothing, or even insignificant. I can listen quietly like Job’s friends did when they were wise and truly sympathize with my brethren’s problems. Maybe I can not give them a stunningly wise solution to their predicament. Perhaps "all" I can do is pray with them and for them. That would certainly be more helpful than trying to tell them they are concerned over "nothing."

Laurie A. Moyer